“It’s DPP’s Time to Eat”

I was chatting with my good wife Fula and we agreed that I should change my name from simple Watipaso Mkandawire to “Hon. Prof. Watipaso Chihoro-man Wa Mukandawire”. My wife will now be called Ms Fula Wa Mukandawire.. Oh Yes.... Wa Mukandawire Woye! Inunso Woyee.

Fula at first thought it was not a good idea to add Professor, but I convinced her that despite having not taught at any University, I have written enough trash both, on my blog and on Malawitalk and Nyasanet to earn the Professorship. My local Community University in Watford run by my good friend from Kashmir will present the award to me before Christmas.

You see, things start happening in life when you elongate your name. Michela Wrong summarised change of name so well in her book entitled “It’s our Turn to Eat” when she argued that “the give-away is the moment a leader adds an extra segment to his name”. Sounds familiar? The give- away is also when wardrobe changes. You wear Rolex. You carry flywhisk. You carry a walking stick. Remember Ngwazi Mkango Wamuyaya Dr HKB? Remember Mzee in Gikuyuland? Remember General Field Marshall Idi Amin Dada or Kaka? Remember Prof. Dr Alhaji Yaya Jamme? Remember Yowere “Kaguta” Museveni? Remember King Phata of Ngaluland? Remember Julius “Mwalimu” Nyerere? Remember Bakili “Kuntunda wokumbamanda” Muluzi? Remember Daniel “Totoitich” Arap Moi?

Fula had initially argued that the change of wardrobe and acquisition of assets has nothing to do with adding prefixes to names. “You have to have a business or a job that earns you real kwayelas”, she reasoned. But she forgot that Wa Mukandawire dreams in colour and had already figured how he will earn the kwayelas. You see, I have not only added prefixes to my name, I have now qualified as one of the banana mafia as my name makes me the son of Ngaluland. Fula was so impressed and she immediately filled my glass with that wicked red drink she enjoys most, encouraging me to spill the beans.

Then her eyes shot up, Ahhhh, is that the reason why the Sergeant of Diesel Petrol Palibe prefers to be called Zakhala? No No No, I interrupted Fula. The Sergeant’s strategy and mine are different. The sergeant’s strategy is to destroy this Mandasi woman. Wa Mukandawire’s strategy is to join in the eating. Fula lost interest and plainly told me that it was my bedtime and my declaration meant I was denied of the wicked red drink......and more. It was a long empty night!